Look at this girl.
She’s super hot right? Looks pretty confident too. Shopping in target, trying on a crop top, taking a mirror selfie for heaven sake. I knew that girl; couldn’t stand her if I’m being honest. Want to know something though? That girl was me. Three years ago, at my absolute lowest weight. That crop top went back on the hanger because all I saw was my bulging stomach. The slightly obnoxious mirror selfie never saw the light of day. Until now.
This photo was taken just a couple of months before I met my fiance-when my eating disorder was at its worst. Before I met Jared I was engaging in all sorts of unhealthy food related behaviors. Purging, calorie restricting, and laxative abuse were my diet methods and my emotional coping mechanisms.
Meeting the love of my life changed me in so many ways. He supported me through my recovery but it has been an uphill battle ever since. I now look at the girl in this photo and see her for what she was. A sad, mentally ill young woman in desperate need of help. And indeed, very thin.
In the three years since I took the above picture, I have put on a very significant amount of weight. I have struggled with the other end of the spectrum: binging. My doctor has also put me on a depression medication which has caused some weight gain as well. I am now working harder than ever to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. This is me now, or more accurately, three weeks ago. (To be honest I’m more embarrassed about the messy bathroom and bedroom than I am in the increase in my body weight…I swear it’s not usually like this!)
When Jared proposed, I hoped to be closer in size to the girl I was three years ago for the wedding. After all, doesn’t every woman want to be the most beautiful person in the room when all eyes are on them? How silly is that thought process though?! To the man of my dreams, I’m already the most beautiful person in the world. And at any rate, the girl I was in those photos does not and will not ever exist again. That was not a sustainable weight for me. That body was achieved through depression, self harm, and self hatred.
Don’t get me wrong though, I do want to lose weight. I’ve already lost some and I will still lose more before the wedding. I am not advocating for eating as unhealthily as I have the past few years. I feel so much better now that I have stopped putting so much junk in my body. But I have already accepted that I am not going to be as teeny-tiny as I planned on being on my Big Day, nor am I going to be the thinnest woman there.
And that’s okay.
Because my wedding day is not going to be about how beautiful I look in my dress, although I am going to look damn beautiful-mark my words.
My wedding day is about making a promise before God and all of my loved ones, to love Jared faithfully for the rest of my life. It’s about sharing the joy I feel that to have found my soulmate. It’s about the day that marks the creation of my own family. It will be the best day of my life, regardless of my size.
And I can’t wait!